I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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