Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I can text with my tongue
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My dick has a subreddit
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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