omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
