Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
