And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
