Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
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