i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You are a genius and a whore.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
