You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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