I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
