We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
