saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
