Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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