I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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