Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
