I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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