I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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