Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
