yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
