are you so shy because you have an std?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
