You smell like stripper and shame
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
