yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
