My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
