If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
