Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
