Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
