mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
