i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize