I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
