First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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