If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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