I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
