Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
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