just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
