1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
