I just threw up on my dentist
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
