When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
