2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
well most of my day revolves around power hour
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
