If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
