All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
