Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Green mimosas i think yes
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
