Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
