suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
