At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
