I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
