but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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