I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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