Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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