I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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