shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
