Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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