i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
