I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
