your thong is hanging out like whoa
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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