this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
