We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
