Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
this is an emotional support booty call
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
