She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Randomize