he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
