Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
