I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
