Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
